A WEEK OF EMAILS
Photo from Unsplash.
Monday, August 5
Hey Chuck,
During this week’s baptism, I noticed the drain pipe of the font smells a bit funky. It runs into the ground, so maybe a mouse has died in there, like that time last August when the organ went out of tune. Could you check it out?
Thanks.
Wednesday, August 7
To Food Pantry Staff:
I would like to sincerely apologize to the volunteers who were frightened by this morning’s events. Our admin, Chuck, was sent to attend to the drain of our baptismal font in our sanctuary. The boiling water you saw coming from the ceiling of the basement food pantry was poured by him, in an effort to unclog the drain pipe. It was not, as one volunteer shrieked at the time, “hellfire from above” nor was it “a sign of the imminent rapture.” Please know that God has not sent fire to consume your stacks of canned goods; it was just an errant janitor.
We are sorry that our efforts to remedy this situation caused such chaos and upset. Please enjoy the attached gift card to Starbucks with our sincere apologies.
Wednesday, August 7
Dear Maude,
I wonder if you could shed some light on something for me. Laurie Whittiker stopped by the office during our recent snafu with the baptismal font, and did not seem that surprised by our trials. She told us that she had been on Church Council in 1977, when the basement was dug, and she recalls some extended conversation about where the drain pipe for the font would then lead. She also confessed that “this was when those meetings were over Happy Hour, you know—where you just took a drink when someone said something you disagreed with—so I don’t really remember anything else.”
Are you aware of any tradition here of not draining the water in the font through that pipe—for example, of using a basin?
Thanks,
Friday, August 9
Dear Rev. Paul,
Greetings! I am the current pastor at St. Hedrick’s on the Hill. I understand you were my predecessor throughout the 1970s. A few issues have arisen that I could use your counsel on.
Namely, when you supervised the excavation of the basement below the sanctuary, was there a discussion of what would happen to the drainpipe in the baptismal font directly above? Do you recall the outcome of this discussion? Did you decide that baptism was a symbolic act only, nothing really matters and why not dump holy water into the basement for 40+years without telling anyone
Was any conclusion reached as to how to remedy the matter?
Along these lines, do you recall encouraging any parishioners to donate a crystal basin to use in the fount so the holy water wouldn’t drain through the pipe? Do you recall stealing the crystal basin when you were fired
Would you remember what became of that bowl? We are having some trouble locating it! You know how things disappear in churches!
I have heard so many horror stories of your time here, and I can only hope when I leave, the parish will tell half as many about me.
With prayers and imprecatory psalms for you and your family,
Sunday, August 11
Hey Chuck,
Please run these announcements in the bulletin for next week:
—If you have a large silver or crystal bowl that would fit in our baptismal font and would like to donate it to the church, please let the Altar Guild know.
—We will have a cleanup day next Saturday in the basement below the sanctuary! If you have an n95 mask, bleach, and a strong tolerance for mildew and mold, come on down!
—St. Hedrick’s History: Our baptismal font dates from 1865 and is made of local stone. Prior to the construction of the basement, the font was plumbed directly into the ground. After the construction of the basement, the font was plumbed into nothing, due to the insistence of the then-rector that “Jesus will come back soon, probably.” Today, the font is used in conjunction with the recently-consecrated Blessed Silly Putty, which prevents the holy water from further blessing our basement.
