Every year for as long as we can remember, people have asked us, “what body part of a saint should I get my wife for Christmas?” After answering this very question to private inquirers for so long, we decided to share our Gift Guide with you, the proletariat. No longer will the secrets of saintly stocking stuffers be tucked away. No, behold: the definitive gifting guide for every single individual person in your life. Enjoy.

-Ellie and Sarah Singer

Your Girlfriend in Canada Who’s Definitely Real: Shroud of Turin

Her name might change depending on who you’re talking to, but in your heart you know she’s real. No you can’t see her in person, but that’s just because of the pandemic. She’s real enough, and this year you need to gift her the Shroud of Turin. Girlfriends love cozy blankets for these long winters. Maybe if you’re lucky it’ll capture her visage and you’ll finally learn what she looks like! The Shroud of Turin: Real Enough(tm)

That Friend You Make Roadtrip Plans With But You Haven’t Seen in a Decade: The Mummified Head of St Catherine of Siena

Legend (history) has it the mummified head of St. Catherine of Siena was smuggled out of Rome in a paper bag miraculously disguised at the border checkpoint as flower petals. The band of friends journeyed together all the way back to Siena, where her head rematerialized and you can find it there today! Legend (history) also has it that when you make plans with people, they don’t fall through. Sometimes when friends go on adventures, God makes miracles happen, like turning shriveled corpse contraband into beautiful flowers. Maybe if you ever tagged along, you’d witness those miracles, Jessica.

Anyways, just wanted to let you know the whole gang is driving up to Aspen next summer, would love to have you,

Xoxo <3

The deposit is due in February!

#SquadGoals #RoadTrip

Your Soundcould Rapper Cousin: The Tongue of St Anthony of Padua

They taught you what “spitting sick flow” is, and now you can teach them the true meaning of Christmas! Gift them the magic of a miraculously preserved tongue from an otherwise desiccated corpse! Kids love tongues. This relic is sure to help them “lay down some sick beats and rhymes” with their buddies from the Internet. I’m sure if St. Anthony of Padua’s ears were preserved, he would appreciate the rhythm and poetry of your cousin’s newest diss track. “There is much to learn Padawan” you write in the Baby Yoda card, chuckling a little bit and holding back tears. Maybe they like Star Wars? Maybe this year they’ll call you, maybe this year… maybe this year.

Salome: Head of St John the Baptist

This suggestion is for friends of Salome only; if you are not friends with Salome you can keep scrolling. Okay, I just got a text from Salome and y’all really just have to hear me out. She wants John the Baptist’s, like, head? On a silver platter. I’m like, okay, but isn’t that kinda overdone? Honestly………….. Okay cool, now that all the losers who aren’t friends with Salome are gone, how do we feel about an ice cream cake? Good? There’s a Baskin Robbins between Alex’s house and the palace so I figure they can pick it up. Obvi we’ll venmo. Do they still make the ones with Barbies sticking out the top and the cake is her skirt?

Give it to your friend, 2003 Nicole Richie: St. Rosalia’s Bones

Don’t you just hate that relatable moment when you grab a latte with your best gal pal but then you get swarmed by a mob of paparazzi, only to discover they’re not for you, they’re for your friend? Me too, because I’m also friends with 2003 Nicole Richie. 

What do you give the woman who has everything? I think you know where I’m going with this. Gift her the reason for the season, the bones of a saint so harassed for her beauty that she escaped to a cave where she died young and alone! And did so flawlessly.

Your Catholic? Friend: The Hand of Margaret Clitherow

It’s a subtle threat.

Your Friend Whose Pants Always Fall Down: Mary’s Holy Belt

We’ve all experienced at least once in our lives that awkward moment when your pants fall down, right? Ummmmmm, so I have this friend whose pants are just constantly falling off of their body, and it’s really impacting my li-, I mean my friend’s life, negatively. Suspenders also fall down, so don’t suggest that, they told me. Lots of things can go very wrong when pants don’t stay where God told them to stay. For instance, weddings. Also, one time my friend was going through airport security and this was the first time they went through the full body scanner, and my friend got like kinda nervous cause they’re already kinda nervous in airports because it’s just a new situation, and I think the pants were also nervous about the whole thing, or maybe sweaty, and for legal reasons I can’t say if they stayed up but I do think maybe the pants did fall off.

Have you ever seen that commercial where there’s a tank of water with a hole in it and that guy slaps it with tape and the water stays in? Mary, Mother of Jesus left her belt imbued with heavenly strength and power with St. Thomas upon her death, and I feel like it would be the perfect present for this person in your life.