In the early days of my family’s self-quarantine, after learning that one of my son’s classmates had a connection to a person who tested positive for COVID-19, I read the chilling account of Daniela Trezzi’s death by suicide. She was a 34-year-old Italian nurse diagnosed with COVID-19, who expressed extreme anguish over the thought she had infected others.

Since then I’ve been asking myself, what if I infect someone with COVID-19 and they die? I’ve asked myself this before I go out into the world, or when I get antsy about how long our Church might not be meeting in person. And with announcements of contact tracing beginning, the more I realize its likely to happen at some point to me or someone I know.

You don’t have to be a judge or attorney to know passing COVID to someone unintentionally isn’t murder, or even manslaughter in any legal sense. The very nature of this virus indicates people are unknowingly spreading it for days and weeks before they have any indication they might be infected. If someone infects someone with COVID and they die, they didn’t murder them, COVID did. But human morality is more complex than that. We feel things, imagine things, and sometimes can’t stop thinking about things we’ve accidentally done and left undone.

I learned this when I became an unintentional killer at 19 in a car accident. I’ve written about the accident for The Guardian and I’ve finished a book manuscript to help unintentional killers (publication delayed a year due to COVID), so what I offer here is something I’ve been thinking about ever since that tragic afternoon 25 years ago.  

What can I do after I find out (or wonder if) I infected someone and they died? 

1. Know you are not alone. Unintentional killing carries with it a huge amount of societal shame, and the hallmark of shame is silence. There are a lot of reasons for this, and most are out of our control. I believe they often go back to the ancient concept of blood debt that is found in every ancient law code, a nearly inescapable result of our human longing for justice after any death. Unintentional killers always feel very alone, and our attempts to share our story with others often result in more shame when they see the real or perceived reactions of the listener. Let’s be honest, whatever pain we experience as unintentional killers is dwarfed by the pain the victim experienced, as well as the victim’s loved ones.

2. Find a City of Refuge. Because it is so difficult to find support from our family and friends, and sometimes even from clergy and counselors, finding a community of unintentional killers is a life or death matter. It was for the ancient Israelites who founded the Cities of Refuge found in Numbers 35 and elsewhere. In these cities, unintentional killers could find refuge from the family members of their victims who sought revenge. There, in these priestly cities, they would start a new life with the other unintentional killers who had found refuge there. Accidental Impacts, an organization founded by Maryann Gray, has been that City of Refuge for so many unintentional killers, including myself. Finding a safe place to share a shame-stained story is lifesaving.

3. Build a City of Refuge. If you can’t find a City of Refuge, you have to build your own. Start with a professional counselor. More and more counselors are becoming educated in the emerging field of moral injury—when you’ve done something you consider to be wrong and it feels like a wound to your sense of goodness. The other place to begin building is to seek out a priest you trust. It is not a coincidence the original Cities of Refuge were levitical, priestly cities. These ancient priests had a deep understanding of blood debt and how that concept intersected with their sacrificial practice. I can imagine they would have been the perfect people to talk to about an unintentional killing.

4. Consider Confession. Last summer I experienced the sacrament of reconciliation (page 447 in the Book of Common Prayer) from a priest who had heard so many confessions in his long life that he didn’t use a prayer book. I confessed to him and to God my unintentional killing and how I wanted to be free from the feelings of guilt and shame over it. Even though I had not intentionally sinned on that day 25 years ago—it was an accident—I had killed someone and felt that deeply. I had participated in the death and destruction that has cursed this planet since Cain killed Abel. I wanted to be free from that curse in my life, so I gave my burden of guilt and shame to God, knowing that Jesus had died for my sins on the cross.

5. Grow a Hyacinth. I have found freedom in living a penitential life after my unintentional killing. This could be as simple as advocating for public health standards during a pandemic or embarking on a pilgrimage or project that bears witness to what happened. In ancient mythology, Hyacinth is Apollo’s lover and companion. But during a game of discus hurling, Apollo’s discus bounces off the ground and hits Hyacinth as he attempts to catch it. Apollo rushes to him and holds him as he dies, his blood dripping into the hard earth. But, even as Apollo mourns, a flower grows from the bloody ground, a Hyacinth. Creating something beautiful after an unintentional killing is a path to healing that should fit the personality and gifts of the penitent.